High and not Drunk!

The day...

What am I thinking? I don’t know. Am I thinking of anything at all? Why am I not thinking of anything? There are millions of topics out there! Just pick one damn it! Nothing! Oh, there are billions of words out there. Just pick a word and make a topic out of it. Nope, not a word! How can I not think of anything at all? Any damn thing! How can I be all blank?

Oh wait, I am definitely thinking whether I am thinking of something. But Am I really thinking of something? If I am, then why can’t I think of what I am thinking? It is because you aren’t thinking at all you fool! But if I’m not thinking, then what is it that keeps moving inside my head? Something is definitely there. It can’t be all empty you know, or can it be? So what exactly is my brain doing when it is not thinking? Is it roaming somewhere else without telling me? But it is my brain. It can’t go anywhere without telling me, or can it?

Oh, the fan. It’s hanging from the ceiling. It has three blades. But why isn’t it working right now? It is winter you fool. But can move once in a while during winter, can’t it? Oh, it is all naked and might catch cold during winter. Poor fan!

What is he thinking? How in the sane world can I know that? I don’t even have his brain. But what is his brain doing? Is it too roaming somewhere without telling him? Shall we go find our brains? But he seems fine, calm. Is it because he too isn’t thinking anything at all? Or is he too wondering about what I am thinking?

Why do they say that ‘A watched phone never rings’? I am not watching it right now. And it isn’t ringing. What else can you do other than ‘Watching’ or ‘Not watching’ the phone? Nothing! Does that mean a phone won’t ring ever? If it isn’t going to ring, why have I kept a ring tone then? Damn you phone!

Why is he laughing now? He might be thinking about something funny. Why am I not thinking about something funny? I can laugh too then. Or am I already laughing and my face isn’t telling me? But it is my face after all! It can’t laugh without me knowing, or can it? Why aren’t my parts with me? Have I done something wrong? Oh look, he is laughing again! He’s is thinking about all these funny things and I can’t think of any damn thing, even a boring thing!

I can’t think of anything and I have ring tone in my phone, when the fan doesn't even have a blanket to protect itself from the cold. What a waste am I!  I better stop thinking. Tomorrow, I shall definitely think of something to think upon!

The day after...

What was I thinking yesterday? I don't know. Was I thinking anything at all? Why was I not...

Haddu Haddu Everywhere...

A Haddu next door and your life is hell. Believe it or not it`s actually happening. They hover all around shouting in their coded lingo and when you by any chance come in the vicinity, they shout even louder expressing how delightful they feel being the creators of this hell. They laugh at each others` 3rd class PJs encouraging them to produce more of such kinds. They find ‘the way the dhobi asks for his monthly pay’ hilarious. They find ‘the existence of SMS packs in mobile connections’ hilarious. They find ‘Jal forming live at a cultural fest’ even more hilarious.

One restful Sunday you wake up at around 11 in the morning, find out that you`ve got no exhaling work for the entire day and decide to spend the rest of your day the same way. To begin with your daily machinery you find your way to the common bathroom holding a toothbrush in one hand and a bottle of hand-wash in the other. Controlling yourself out of those two trembling legs and the chunks of slightly illusive hangovers at times, you find yourself in front of the wash-basin. Whole of your future finds itself in a black-hole when you see millions of small-medium-large-extra large pieces of pubic hair choking the basin-pipes, both of them! You rush to find a bathroom as nausea circles you and you need to over-flow. All you hear is different catchy numbers again in the encrypted forms each in a different tone from all the 4 bathrooms. They are all around you like Zombies! Hit your head against the wall if you have the slightest intention of survival.

You think of having lunch, but you forget that hell is all around you. You find the Zombies all around you, in front of you, both sides, walking by. Even a chicken has better dining manners. The following 20 minutes pass with your face finding a way to dip into the vegetable curry and chock yourself to death.

One chilly night of early December, end terms finished the day before. All you want to do is get you’re your cozy bed, get yourself fully covered with a warm blanket and enjoy a sound undisturbed sleep. It`s just before you can achieve the state of ‘The deep sleep’, you hear some radio-labeled voice followed by another and another just outside your door. One can`t think of a CIA operation in India and even when your clock in showing 2:30. You try to ignore that for a while. But that trial continues for some fifteen minutes before things start getting out of control. You pick up your last option and get yourself out of Heaven. You open the door and what you find is a dark figure covered up to his neck with an even darker shawl speaking, rather shouting over his beloved while the phone is in the ‘Speaker’ mode. You look around. All you can hear around is ‘Nothing’. All you can find around is ‘No one’. But this fellow keeps talking and suddenly he turns around, the contrasting color of his teeth reminding you that ghosts exist.

In your semi-conscious state, you look at him for a moment and how to react the next. The temperature outside and the chilled air efficiently doing its job makes you leave all aside and close the door behind you as quickly as possible. When life`s at stack, even a lazy fat dog can react faster than a squirrel. You enter back inside the bed carefully trying to remove the nasty noises but failing to do so, you try to stick your ears to them even more carefully. ’Neglecting your breaths while you listen can make you an undercover agent’. Such carrier opportunities often strike you when you have nothing else to do but compelled to listen to such noises while being inside a comfortable bed.

Carefully listen to the sound and guess what it is!! You should not be surprised this time. You really are in Hell. You look out for your watch every 5 minutes praying to God a million times between each of the interval before it is the moment when the battery goes down. Finally it`s your turn to thank God that he kept you alive all this time.

P.S. : No personal offences.

Stay away

There are some things which we never want to notice but they get themselves enlightened with the spontaneous flow of time. These are some of the words that came out of that guy I recently met in a book store searching for a decent, thick novel that could be my any time-personal roommate during my stay in the college campus for the rest of the summers, who too had the same intention as mine, to get one as his companion all his way back home and suggested ‘The Afghan’, a novel by Frederick Forsyth.

This campus had been my home for the last 4 years. When I was leaving my place for this new home, it was brought to my notice by some of the friends of my elder brother who`d been in similar campuses about the abnormal sex ratios in the IITs. After my stay in Kota for the coaching stuffs, I already had a rough idea about the abnormality people occasionally talk of. But as the days passed, I observed some abnormalities in the abnormality I had the idea about. This led the "females" to "non-males" ….

He stated some of the similarities and some distinctions which create an environment of confusion between the males and the non-males-

Similarities-
(1)Both of the species have similar varieties of hair: long and short.
(2)Both have an extended portion of the hair all over their cheeks and the space between the nose and the upper lip, which is generally given the term beard/moustache in case of males.
(3)Both have a very strong intuition from time to time that something`s going the wrong way.
(4)Both of them find the synonymous gender relatively comfortable to talk about the other.
(5)Both avoid skin-to-skin contact with their counterparts even for a second.

Differences-
(1)The non-males get the perks and privileges of receiving all sorts of condolences from the respected professors.
(2)The same species has a unique quality of getting their work done by their counterparts whenever required.
(3)They are least involved in any kind of fun-related activity, there do exist some exception though.
(4)They have an extreme and incomparable power to mug up things, which make them deliver exceptional academic performances.
(5)They usually speak of equality, but whenever in a state of complication, they follow the quotation of naari-shakti and perform the call-the-dean operation.
(6)They are packed with tremendous volumes of supernatural egos, which are habitually overflowed in the form of sophisticated jealousy within the same kind, which comes out as a source of entertainment for the other.

Now that fellow moved his lips so frequently that I can`t recall each and every word he said. Actually he had his train at 1900 hrs, so we had our way back into the campus to his hostel. During the last convocation in front of the main gate, these are the words from him--“ stay away from them”.

चोट

रात भर सो ना सका मैं तेरी याद में
देखता रहा बस तेरी उस मृत शरीर को,
मंडराने लगे वो सारे पल आँखों के सामने एक-एक करके
जो गुजारे थे मैंने कभी तेरे साथ |

Orkut की वो खुली हुई scrapbook,
Facebook पर खेले वो सारे time-pass games,
Gtalk की वो ping-ping की आवाज़,
Messenger की वो smileys और वो नशीली लाल backgrounds,

CS की वो go-go-go,
AOE की वो भोंपू ,
Mario की वो उछल-कूद,
Taken की वो घटिया graphics,

50 cent और linkin park के वो romantic numbers,
Avril की वो मरी हुई आवाज़,
Blue Ray की वो 8 Gb की movies,
HIMYM, PB, Heroes, F.R.I.E.N.D.S की वो धडाधड sequels,

TS के समय की वो slides,
लोगों के कारनामों की वो print screens,
Paint पर बनाये वो सारे claasy art works,
Photoshop के वो सारे तिकड़म,

याद तो आये पर निकल गए एक-एक करके
पलकों में से आंसुओं के रूप में,
फिर सोचा हंसते-हंसते विदा करूँगा उसे
जिसने हमेशा साथ निभाया अपने उस जीवित रूप में |

देखता रहा, कभी उस काले हो चुके ENTER को,
तो कभी उस USB mouse को,
भूख तक bore होकर चली गयी थी जब
सुबह 6:13 को एक काले प्राणी ने कमरे में दर्शन दिया,

बोलना शुरू किया उसने
"रात भर सोया नहीं है क्या, आँखें लाल हैं तेरी
अच्छा सुन, तेरे Invertor का plug निकाल दिया था मैंने कल
लगा लियो उसे" |

Mothers Day

When I started Writing ::

It`s a rare cloudy morning of May, the exam month. Every walking creature with a pair of each limb, having some cotton on them, is seen to have some stapled papers in hands, walking down the road, with not at all a single scope of nain-sukh-praapti, there are not much of the chances one gets inside the campus though. But there is one guy, totally in a different state of mind, busy listening to an extremely man-ish voice of the RJ who calls herself Vinita hosting the regular morning show, AIRed by a very famous channel.


That freak gets himself so involved in the bakar-bakar talks of the RJ, that he forgets that he has an End-Sem paper just within an hour or so. He comes into the real world only when his stomach shouts, 'knock knock, give me something !!'. He does his regular breakfast in the ultra-modern mess having its own Electric Tandoor, comes back and sticks himself to his radio-cum-mobile phone. The same Vinita taking messages of people, concerning how much they love their mothers. Mothers day today ??, asking himself, he narrows down his ears to get some more updates. Suddenly she reads out some lines SMS-ed by some listener, followed by a song from the movie TZP inluding that "Maa" word, which pushed him into the depths of sentiments, when he starts writing.....


I`m gonna return home,
Every single day she keeps waiting.
Whenever tears visit her eyes,
She keeps smiling.

It`s like all the time when i feel my empty stomach,
There is just a single call
When she turns off her favourite daily soap,
She keeps baking.

There are times when I`ve got nothing to do but wander,
She leaves her gossip-conferences with the Aunties next door.
She wants to know every happening,
She sits by and keeps listening.

There are treats some evening and late at night,
There are friends hovering all around
Theoritically they are only our enjoy moments,
But then she loves running.

There are sleepless midnights when I host some viruses,
She keeps reminding me the angelic effects of those bitter pills.
Talking of the Love Marriages of nice-nephews,
Unless I`m deep asleep, she keeps waking.

I relive those moments every single day,
Wish I could express my Love and Honour,
I pay my tribute to this selfless soul,
Wish my each day to be a Mothers Day.

What happens

When an IITan tries to clean up his/her room :-

If the IITan is a guy :-

(1)First of all he appreciates this noble idea which just arrived his and only his mind.

(2)He then starts singing 'jai ganesh, jai ganesh, jai ganesh deva...' followed by 'humko itni shakti dena....'.

(3)He starts a chain of thanksgiving to all his closed ones who inspired him to take such a great step.

(4)This is the moment since the extreme past when his eyes donate some tears.You cann`t imagine how happy is he at this point.

(5)Listening to 'wake me up.... (greenday)' , he starts enjoying a real life nap when somebody comes and reminds him of his original missison for the day.

(6)He expresses his gratitude towards this kind-hearted fellow by addressing him a '*&&$^&*#)!^&#^#('.

(7)He then performs his sub-mission of finding a broom anywhere in the hostel.

(8)Failing to do so he goes & gets one from the market thinking of those '&^!&**^)#$' words all along his way up and down. This took him some 2 hrs and 45 mins.

(9)He spends only 30 mins thinking where to start from.

(10)He finishes his original mission just within 2 hrs and 17 mins and fortunately got some of what people call important stuff--

• A titan watch (worth Rs 1275/-)
• A 100 rupee note (worth Rs 100/-)
• 12 ten rupee notes (worth Rs 120/-)
• chillhar coins (worth Rs 73/-)
• 12th board original Mark-Sheet (some things money cann`t buy, for everything else.....)
• 5 packs of Goldflake though partially filled (worth two days)
• 4 ATM cards of which only one was his.
• 3 socks each of a different shade of which none was his.
• The Associate (A novel by John Grisham)
• Nokia N95 (He is using RIM CDMA these days)
• A calculator (worth Rs 500/-)
• Logitech speakers (while he kept shouting all these days "iski awaaz itni kam kyun ho gayi hai " )
• some raddi (worth Rs 142/-)

Now after he`s all done with his mission, he analyses the losess as time and the gains in terms of monetary profits.He sorts out that getting the mission done by an assistant (jhaadu waale bhaiya) giving him a sum of Rs 30/-, talking some politics accompanied by some masala-maar-ke campus gossip would have been far more worthy. Once again starting his chain of thanksgiving to all his inspirational idols, dedicating those noble, kind '&**!%^#%%(#($' words and realising those 6 hrs 43 mins of workout on a weekend, he goes to sleep.

If the IITan is NOT a guy :-

(1)As a part of her usual routine, she picks up the broom leaning against the corner besides her bed.

(2)She starts the job from right under her study-cum-make up table.

(3)She finishes within 6 mins (including a revision so that not a single inch is left untouched).

(4)Fortunately she located some of the disorders that made her conscience act steadily:-

• 1 pen ka dhakkan lying under her 2-in-1 table.
• 1 sudoku cutting from TOI on her table.
• One of her 4 pair of sandals not placed parallelly.
• 1 empty pack of maggi noodles.
• 4 gms of dust.

After she`s all done, she takes a bath (no doubt using her own bucket and stuffs), spends a little 45 mins in front of her 2-in-1 table holding a mirror (which is again her own property), using some more stuffs (difficult to differentiate), some of which I had mugged up while being in a party hosted by a female friend and to my luck, sat between 5 ladies. At last, after conducting a poll of how-she-looks among 12 active and regular participants including her DD, she makes her way to the main gate of the girls hostel where she sets her original mission of extracting the maximum out of the guy who thinks he`s in love, waiting outside, desperately.

PS :: One guy asked me "why are they even referred to as she/her ?"

He suggested some better words like 'not-he/not-him' !!

Show off

These are some of our future representatives :: -

(1) Abhinav :: saale cp sutta le ke aa na
(2) Akshay :: IMG is more important than CG
(3) Anirudh :: Tum to yaar galat hi ilzaam laga rahe ho, maine kiya hi kya hai, accha tu bata
(4) Chaitali :: Main try karungi, main dukhi nahi karungi aur kutte-kamine nahi bolungi.
(5) chandra prakash :: Abe ab to interest hi hat gaya hai.....shaadi-shuda aadmi hun
(6) Divij :: The pants should never be above the "10 cms mark " below the hips
(7) Gurdeep :: He is gurdeep . Nothing else is needed
(8) Harsh :: Hamaare bhopal mein na .......
(9) Indroneil :: He`s already got a spouse >> His computer ! I love pink. Abe darvaaza band kar yaar

(10) Jatin :: Jatin "y cant i study" has serially kissed Piyali Purkait in the cafeteria 22 times and scored 2300 kisspoints (via Serial kisser)
[because they are damn close]

(11) Manoj:: Abe last time hamne sirf 3 peg hi maare the
(12) Naveen :: Abe saale aukat mein reh.
(13) Prashanth :: kya re >> most frustrated !
(14) Pratik :: oye 10 rupaye de naa , chal gabbar chai maar ke aate hain
(15) Rashmi :: Sir ye kya hai , ye kyun hai , isse kya hota hai
(16) Ravi :: arre nai bai , arre kya bai ???
(17) Sahil :: The fone guy ! abe baat kar raha hun
(18) Saikat :: The fattebaaj !
(19) Sandeep :: Abe dekh , Item Aunty !

(20) Sankalp :: Abe main nahi aa raha class , proxy maar dena .
Abe mess mein kya bana hai , canteen chal raha hai kya

(21) Shaifali :: chalo class mein ek to sensible ladka hai.
(22) Shivang :: pata hai ek baar hum Orchha gaye the , tab naa %#^%#%^%)()(^%^%#% ......
aur dost ne naa ......*&%^&%^$^&*&&^&^ ......
aur aaj AOE mein na .......*(&(&^&#%^%#*)()#(*((#()* .......
aur......... *&(*^&#^&*^#(*&#^&*^*#(*& .........

(23) Siddhika :: bhaiya ek chanaa-masala ,ek shaahi panner , ek raita , aur stuffed naan . Baaki main-course ke liye 15-20 min baad aana .
(24) Tanuj :: Abe sir nahi aa rahe , 5 min ho gaye , chalo vaapas chalte hain.
(25) Vyom :: Tumhe ladki nahi milenge aur jo honge vo bhi chale jaayenge.
(26) Vinod :: I love my roomie .
(27) Vignesh :: kya re , Phod daalega tereko .
(28) Rajpal :: raj9-double jeero-6 at gmail dod com